Blessed be Your name.

THEY APPROVED OUR REQUEST!!! 

The insurance company is going to pay 100% of the cost of the Follistim! I can hardly believe it. I cried when the pharmacy called to tell me. I just couldn't believe what they were saying. I asked her to repeat it just to make sure! haha Now, they only approved one cycle and we'll have to file again when if we need another...but still! I'll begin the injections on day 3 of my cycle and will go back for an ultrasound on day 7 to make sure everything is ok. At that point, I think they'll have me come in every morning to monitor my progress. With any luck, we'll get a whole bunch of follicles and be able to do a set of IUIs sometime in the next two weeks.

From what I've read, the chances of pregnancy nearly double with this medication...but the risk of twins (or more) is about 30%. That makes me a little nervous, but it's a risk we're willing to take. More to love, right? :-) Though I'm nowhere near positive that my 5'1'' frame could support more than one child at a time. eeek! But I can't get ahead of myself, we just need to get through these injections and see what happens. Walk by faith, right?

"You give and take away,

My heart will choose to say, 

Lord blessed be Your name."

What's it worth?

My goal at the moment is to look for the silver lining in situations, even when things seem like we might be at the end of our journey. Right now, our pharmacy and the wonderful people who work there are not only my silver lining, but a support system I never expected. The men and women who work at this pharmacy truly love what they do and desire to help in every possible way. I thought it was funny at first that each box of medicine that comes to my door includes a little encouraging message and a package of Hershey Kisses. It's a sweet gesture, but coming from an independent company, I just assumed they wanted my business. Not the case. The people I have worked with are dedicated to providing the best customer service, at the lowest cost to me and in the shortest amount of time. There are times when I have to call them and I need a prescription for the next evening...they hop on the phone with the insurance company, get the approval and have it ready for overnight delivery or pick-up, depending on what my schedule looks like. This is a process that would usually take a week, but they make it happen. It's truly fantastic. Right now we are at a bit of a stand still.  My pharmacy put in a request to our insurance company last Sunday to see if they will approve and cover the Follistim…and more than a week later they still haven’t made their decision. I understand this is a bi decision for them, the Follistim is $2,500 a cycle...more than our monthly premium. And this is not the only medication for which we are asking to be approved. I am almost to the point in my cycle where I would begin taking the Follistim, but until we find out how much is covered, we cannot begin because we can't pay for more than one cycle out of pocket without saving some more.  My amazing pharmacy has been calling the insurance company every day pushing them to hurry up, and giving me updates every other day. I almost can't believe how often I speak with them...in a good way! They give me updates when there isn't anything to update...but to ease my mind and make sure I'm not stressing over unnecessary things. They are taking care of it for me. WOW! How often does that happen?! 

Peter and I are having a hard time deciding how much we are willing to pay, not to mention how many drugs we're willing for me to take in order to have a baby. I struggle all the time with wanting to give everything we have to this process, just to make it happen, but the reality is that that's not responsible or healthy. As much as we want a child, is it worth going into debt for the chance this next treatment will be any different from the last? I'm not sure. Part of me screams "Of freaking course it is!" but the other, more rational side, just sighs. We are just relying on God that if he wants us to continue, He will provide the means necessary whether through the insurance coverage, or a Heavenly check on my door step. :) So though the side effects are scary, if we can cover the cost, we'll just trust that this is where God wants us to go and follow. 

Just smile.

Leave it to God to speak to my heart through a Glee cover song. This song touched me today...it's simple, but sweet. I need to continually remind myself to smile, this part of our lives won't last forever.

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow

Smile, and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through, for you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying.

You'll find that life is still worthwhile-

If you just smile.

Decisions, decisions

I'm really terrible at making decisions, particularly when they are as big as the ones we are facing right now. When we realized that the Clomid wasn't having an effect on me, the doctors decided to put me on Follistim which is a lot stronger, and will hopefully help me to produce multiple eggs to increase our chances. However, Follistim is very expensive. Right now, our insurance company is in review about our case, determining whether or not to cover the expense in part or not at all. If they don't cover any of the cost, it will be $2,500 each cycle, which could be more than once a month depending on how I respond. Now if that was the only cost, it might be an option, but we also have to pay for the ultrasounds which are $500 each, and we have a cycle, as well as the other medications, IUIs, and blood work. So far this has not been a challenge for us, the insurance company has been wonderful and we've only paid a couple thousand over the last few months. But now, since the doctors are saying we need to move on, it's likely the insurance company will pull back. Nice, right?

But truthfully, the money is the least of my concerns. This medicine has some nasty side effects and risks, that I'm not sure I am willing to take. I want a baby more than anything, but we're not willing to risk my health for one. We're trying to set up a meeting with the doctor, but it's proving to be harder than we imagined. We are supposed to communicate through the nurses, the doctors are very busy. But if I am paying them all this money and risking my body, I think I deserve a few minutes of his time. Peter is working on that, I don't have it in me to try to deal with them. Hopefully if his conversation goes well this morning, we'll have a meeting this weekend and we can determine our next step. I'm not ready to give up yet, but neither of the other options, Follistim or IVF, sound particularly appealing at the moment.

I do have to say, though, that the recommended dosage of Follistim is 150mg in each injection. (Oh yeah, these are shots I have to give myself. Yuck!) Their website claims that it is safe to take for 3 cycles of 150mg before you are at risk of experiencing any long term side effects. My doctor has suggested I take only 50mg for a half cycle, hoping that my age and over all health will be a help for us. So truthfully, maybe I shouldn't be worried about it and just do it. These are all things I want to talk to the doctor about and hopefully he can explain the real deal.


I think what I am most frustrated about is the fact that I am not in control of anything right now. The decision that I'm stressing over isn't really even mine to make. The insurance company and the doctor make the decision, I only have the final say once all the information is presented. Now that alone is enough to stress over, but I have at least a week before we get to that point, so I need to chill. Ha, as if.

I know I've only been posting on here for a few days, but it has already helped me more than I imagined. Just to write with such honest abandon...it's freeing! :-)

Trust.

 

 (source)

Our story

My husband, Peter, and I have been going through fertility treatments for nearly 6 months at this point. I created this blog as an outlet for feelings I can no longer put into words without getting too emotional. My hope is that I will have a way to express myself, while possibly being a support to others going through the same nasty cycle of excitement, hope, and disappointment.

A little about us: Peter and I met in college.  (Check out that hair, hehe)

We dated for three years, and got married April 2008. 

We decided early on that we wanted to have children fairly soon, but after we got married, our financial situation just wouldn't allow it. That was ok, I was only 22 and just enjoying our new life. Being a cancer survivor, I knew it may be difficult for us, so I didn't want to wait too long to find out. At the suggestion of my oncologist, Peter and I went to visit a Reproductive Endocrinologist, just for a "check up." We discovered that the cancer and chemotherapy didn't seem to have had any effect on my egg supply, which was the main concern. I was just thrilled, until my blood work came back. My hormones are a disaster, to say the least, and I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) although I do not have any cysts yet. The chances of us conceiving naturally, though possible, are pretty slim, but the doctor was confident that a round of fertility medication and an insemination would do the trick. He said that it's always better to start as soon as you see a problem, so if we were ready we could start treatments. We talked it over, and decided that we were ready to start a family.

The first thing I had to do was go to the cardiologist to make sure that my heart was up to the task. They did an ultrasound and an EKG and everything looked great. Better than my last visit, actually. Score! 

In January, we started our first cycle. I started with 50mg of Clomid and I had one follicle, 20mm. I was thrilled at how quickly I responded to the medicine! We had two intrauterine inseminations (IUI) and crossed our fingers. Two weeks later, a blood test revealed that I was not pregnant.

I was disappointed, but encouraged by the fact that I was able to begin a new cycle of treatments just three days later. Our second cycle didn't go as well. I took the same 50mg of Clomid but this time I didn't have any response...except the crazy side effects of course. The doctors said that some women build a tolerance to the Clomid, so he increased my dosage to 100mg for our third cycle.

When I went for my ultrasound we discovered two follicles, one 20mm and one 11mm. We had two IUIs and waited again. This time I didn't have to wait for a blood test, I knew in less than a week and a half that it didn't work.

Our fourth cycle was much like our second, except I was becoming more desperate. I had no response to the Clomid and the doctors began talking about a more aggressive treatment plan (to the tune of $5,000 a cycle). We decided to try one more round of Clomid, just to cover all of our bases.

This time I had 2 follicles, one 12mm on the left and one 13mm on the right. I was over the moon. I couldn't believe I got any, even if they weren't as big as they would like them to be. We did an IUI and prayed for a miracle, since we don't have that kind of money right now. A few days post IUI, I went in for a blood test my progesterone level an it was very low so they did an ultrasound to see what was going on. The follicles were gone, and we were back at square one.

Now it's May and we've ruled out the most affordable treatments. Next week I'm supposed to start Follistim, in place of the Clomid. The success rate is higher, but so are the risks. We haven't decided what we're going to do just yet, but our options are to start taking the expensive medicine, move on to IVF (which is much more expensive), or give up...at least for now. None of these sound appealing at the moment...but we need to choose.

And that, friends, is my last 6 months in a nutshell. Sorry if it was a bit of a downer, hopefully my posts won't all be that way....but I didn't know any other way to explain it all. I hope you'll stick around and share in our joys and pains...maybe we'll even get our happily ever after. If you are going through or are thinking of beginning treatments, please feel free to leave a comment or message me personally. I am quickly realizing the importance of community when it comes to getting through each cycle.

Before the morning

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you
Where is He now?

Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming!

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming