Decisions, decisions

I'm really terrible at making decisions, particularly when they are as big as the ones we are facing right now. When we realized that the Clomid wasn't having an effect on me, the doctors decided to put me on Follistim which is a lot stronger, and will hopefully help me to produce multiple eggs to increase our chances. However, Follistim is very expensive. Right now, our insurance company is in review about our case, determining whether or not to cover the expense in part or not at all. If they don't cover any of the cost, it will be $2,500 each cycle, which could be more than once a month depending on how I respond. Now if that was the only cost, it might be an option, but we also have to pay for the ultrasounds which are $500 each, and we have a cycle, as well as the other medications, IUIs, and blood work. So far this has not been a challenge for us, the insurance company has been wonderful and we've only paid a couple thousand over the last few months. But now, since the doctors are saying we need to move on, it's likely the insurance company will pull back. Nice, right?

But truthfully, the money is the least of my concerns. This medicine has some nasty side effects and risks, that I'm not sure I am willing to take. I want a baby more than anything, but we're not willing to risk my health for one. We're trying to set up a meeting with the doctor, but it's proving to be harder than we imagined. We are supposed to communicate through the nurses, the doctors are very busy. But if I am paying them all this money and risking my body, I think I deserve a few minutes of his time. Peter is working on that, I don't have it in me to try to deal with them. Hopefully if his conversation goes well this morning, we'll have a meeting this weekend and we can determine our next step. I'm not ready to give up yet, but neither of the other options, Follistim or IVF, sound particularly appealing at the moment.

I do have to say, though, that the recommended dosage of Follistim is 150mg in each injection. (Oh yeah, these are shots I have to give myself. Yuck!) Their website claims that it is safe to take for 3 cycles of 150mg before you are at risk of experiencing any long term side effects. My doctor has suggested I take only 50mg for a half cycle, hoping that my age and over all health will be a help for us. So truthfully, maybe I shouldn't be worried about it and just do it. These are all things I want to talk to the doctor about and hopefully he can explain the real deal.


I think what I am most frustrated about is the fact that I am not in control of anything right now. The decision that I'm stressing over isn't really even mine to make. The insurance company and the doctor make the decision, I only have the final say once all the information is presented. Now that alone is enough to stress over, but I have at least a week before we get to that point, so I need to chill. Ha, as if.

I know I've only been posting on here for a few days, but it has already helped me more than I imagined. Just to write with such honest abandon...it's freeing! :-)