Beauty will rise from these ashes.

Can you feel Autumn in the air? I love it! I love everything about the Fall. The smells, the cool breeze, the crunch of the leaves...the food! :) And this year, Autumn, rather than Spring, brings hope of new life for our family. I know it may be dangerous, but right now I am filled with overwhelming feelings of hope, excitement, and anticipation for what the remainder of this year will bring. I am past trying to stay "level headed" through this process...I can't take all these shots each day and not be hopeful that a miracle will take place. I have to at least believe that it can happen, don't I? 

I've finished my contraceptive pills at this point, now I am just taking Lupron in the evenings. It's not too bad as far as the injections go. A small needle, about an inch long. I have not been able to take it in my thigh again, it freaks me out for some reason. I'm comfortable with taking them all in my stomach, but unfortunately, I'm already beginning to look something like an abused pin cushion...and we have a long way to go. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and start rotating in my thighs soon...ughhhh! 

*Baby*

*Baby*

*Baby*

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that this isn't for the rest of my life. That it's for a good cause. That it's going to help us. 

Other times I just close my eyes and pretend like my bathroom doesn't look like a hospital :)

So far this cycle isn't too bad! I am in my second week of birth control...crazy, I know. Sounds totally counterproductive, but they need to suppress my body before I can start the stimulating cycle in hopes of creating follicles. My first injection this time around was Lupron...it's subcutaneous...thankfully! Just one shot, once a day. Not too bad! The list of side effects was lengthy, including breast reduction! Who wants to hear that?! This better be worth it, hehe :)

I expected the Lupron to take it out of me, but I haven't anything other than a little rash at the injection site..which unfortunately rotates from my stomach to my thigh every other day...so it's really just itchy everywhere. But that's nothing compared to what it could be! When I went in to pick up my second suitcase filled with injections the nurse asked me how I was doing on the Lupron so far..when I said I was totally fine she replied, "Haha! Just wait, the effects will come." But it's been on it for a few days now, so I'm holding to the hope that it will be fine. 

So now the next step is just taking the Lupron and contraceptive pills until the 21st and then I go in for blood work to see if I can start my stimulating cycle...I think. Really I just wait for the call in the morning and they tell me what to do, I don't get to know things before they happen. That's ok with me, though...less to worry about. I'm just taking it all day by day, dreading the day I need to give myself the intramuscular injections and this nasty looking gel in a tampon applicator. Yeah. Pleasant sounding, huh? 

Welcome to my new life. 

Nothing is sacred. 

It's worth it.

As of September 1st, we are officially in an IVF cycle. I can hardly believe it. I didn't imagine us in this situation for at least 5-7 years. God is so good.

I have been very nervous about the entire thing so far. I'm trying to remain level-headed..but also know the power of positive thinking and remaining calm...so I am allowing myself to believe this will work. Dangerous? Perhaps. But honestly, it's going to be a long 4 months either way, so why not do it with hope that it will work out?

Right now I am taking birth control pills to suppress my hormones and get my body ready for the first round of medication. I don't know much about these meds just yet, but I am nervous already! I know most of them are shots, and from what I understand, at least one will be intramuscular...meaning gigantic! And it has to go in my hip...uuughh!

But I'm not thinking of that right now. I am focusing on how blessed we are to have this opportunity. How our lives may change in the coming months. How no matter what happens, I am not in control...but my Savior is, and that's all I need to know.  :)

Answered Prayers - It's long, but read it all..it's worth it!

This week has thrown me for an emotional loop. My head it spinning with possibilities and questions, I don't even know where to begin to explain it all. 

On my way to the doctor Tuesday morning, God and I had it out. I was exhausted, frustrated, and scared of what I was about to learn at my appointment. I cried my eyes out as  I pleaded for answers, for peace, for a baby. I prayed that He would be more clear in His plan, my heart needed a break. I prayed that either this cycle be successful, or we be approved for a medical loan for $16,000 to try two cycles of IVM with the doctor we visited two weeks ago. I am willing to give up if that's what's necessary, but I don't want to do that unless I KNOW we have to. I begged Him for answers and then I cried, and cried, and cried some more...probably not the safest thing to do while driving...but hey.

So I finally got to the office (reapplied my make-up in the parking lot) to check my estrogen and follicle growth and they found that we missed my LH surge and I was already ovulating. They planned to do an IUI on Wednesday, but after another assessment, they determined that it was too late. So yet another failed cycle for August. We were told to continue with a natural cycle and they will still do a pregnancy test on the 30th, though it's not likely to be positive.

I was devastated. I couldn't believe we had lost our last chance. Ok God, so that was a quick answer...now on to the loan. Right? 

Not today....God has other plans for us.

A few hours after my appointment I received a phone call from a nurse wanting to schedule an appointment with our doctor for a consultation. As we started looking at dates, I asked what we were going to talk about and she mentioned that when we first started looking at options, we had said we were potentially willing to do IVF cycles. The doctor wanted to know if that was still the case. Now, theoretically, it is. However an IVF cycle is about $20,000-25,000 in their office when all is said and done...and we were struggling to come up with $8,000 for the IVM. I told her that it just wasn't in the cards right now, but in the future...yes, we probably would go down that road. 

I can almost audibly hear her smile when I finally stopped talking. She simply said, "Well that is why I am calling." 

Apparently our doctor is working on a new study to decrease the occurrence of multiples in IVF pregnancies. Right now, IVF is done by taking several viable eggs, fertilizing them, and selecting the two best "looking" embryos to place back into the uterus. In his study, for the last few years, our doctor has been working on genetically testing the embryos to find the healthiest one...meaning that it is the most likely to turn into a baby healthy enough to be carried to term. 

In his study there will be two groups, one that receives the current standard of care (2 "good-looking" embryos, unstudied) and the other that receives 1 genetically tested embryo. Right now, the standard of care yields an approximate 54% success rate, while the new treatment plans has a success rate of 72% thus far. (Both of these rates kick the pants off of the 20-30% we've been working with!!) The potential mother will not know what group she is in until the day of the transfer. 

She said the doctor is very interested in me and my history, so even though I didn't meet all the minimum requirements (my natural cycle is too long), he pushed me through. Why? Well, I believe God led him to...though I am sure he wouldn't admit to that. :) If I participate in this study, we will receive one fresh cycle and one frozen embryo cycle...for $1,600. Yes, that's right...potentially a $48,000 gift from God...and our doctor. Can you say answered prayer?! 

The doctor said that he will cover all the costs of my IVF including medication...all we would need to pay for is the anesthesia ($1,000), the cost of freezing the embryos ($600), a pregnancy monitoring cycle (approx. $3,000 - 4,000), and co-pays each visit. 

So that means we're looking at a minimum of about $5,000 for a $25,000 procedure.

Sounds amazing right? 

IT. GETS. BETTER.

As per the doctor's suggestion, I contacted our insurance company to see what percentage of a pregnancy cycle they will cover if we proceed with an IVF cycle...100%!! That's right...we're down to 2,000 for two entire cycles of IVF. 

But wait...there's more! 

My goodness, I can hardly contain myself as I write this. God is so good!!

We then learned that Peter's company has a pool of money to help cover medical costs since their insurance is not that great...we received $5,000. 

We can proceed with a treatment that it would take years for us to afford...and it will be absolutely FREE.

Now obviously this is not a guarantee by any means...but it's a chance we wouldn't have if it wasn't for the Grace and Mercy of God and the curiosity and compassion of our physician. I'll take it. 

"I am speechless. I'm astonished and amazed!

I am silenced by your wondrous grace! 

You have shown us a love that leaves us, speechless."

- Steven Curtis Chapman                

 

(Source)

"Because He lives I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
and life is worth the living just because He lives."
                                                                            - Bill Gaither

Me me me...I want healing!

I had yet another terrible appointment. The medication just isn't working. The freaking $2,500 medicine that we prayed and prayed for isn't doing a thing. I cannot express how angry I am. I am frustrated that our "last chance" isn't working at all. I'm devastated that this is truly our last try for probably a year or until we can save enough money for a more aggressive treatment. And I'm just done with it all. I hit a breaking point, ran out to my car and sobbed uncontrollably.

While I thoroughly believe that God can use anything and anyone to speak to us, I do not often realize that he is doing it IN the moment. I think He took a moment to quiet my aching heart to share His peace with me. When I finally couldn't stand the sight of my red eyes in the rear view mirror for another minute, I turned on the radio and this is what I heard:

"Be still, there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak"

I'd love to say that this simple phrase changed my life. That I'm hopeful and happy, ready to move on with my life knowing that God will provide...but that's just not the case. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel comforted knowing that I serve a God of healing...that He could, at any moment, create a miracle in our story...but I also feel frustrated that it's not now, that we are working so hard, seemingly in vein. But I have faith that one day God's plan for us will be revealed. Until then, I am trying to be patient, praying for my miracle each day...each moment of every day. He is faithful, and I must faithfully wait.

Let faith arise
I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

      -Chris Tomlin                                                    

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

We are mid cycle right now, and the almost daily 6am doctor appointments are beginning to suck my will to live. Pete's been giving me my shots for about a week, something he really hates to do. I can see the pain in his eyes with each shot, but he does a great job. It doesn't hurt that badly, only when the medicine goes in..something like a tetanus shot in the stomach. The only thing that hurts is when the follicles begin to grow. Each morning I get blood work done, as well as an ultrasound to monitor my progress and to ensure that my ovaries are not in jeopardy. So far, my follices are not maturing at all, but my cysts are growing rapidly.

Yesterday when I had my ultrasound the doctor was so insensitive, he hardly made it out of the room before I cried. He started the ultrasound, spouted all his assessments to the nurse, and walked out. Now, since we've been doing this for almost a year now, I can pretty much do my own ultrasounds and it was clear that the medicine is not working...at least not the way it should be. After a week of my shots, there is only one 12mm follicle to be found. I know it's not his job to coddle me, but even speaking directly to me at least once would have made it a nicer interaction! He came in, did his job, and left. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like that's not the way it should be. I really don't like this office, but what choice do I have at this point?

When we went to the other doctor last week, they were so nice. They chatted with us, got to know us as a couple, and even took our picture so they could put a face to the name when we spoke on the phone in the future. It was a small office and you really just felt at home. The office we are working with now is cold and I always feel like cattle being pushed from one room to another moments after the last woman has left. It's not necessarily bad, but I just feel like this is a very personal, uncomfortable, and sensitive topic...a little personal contact would go a long way. In the 10 months we've been working with them, I've never had the same doctor more than 2 days in a row. They are different every morning. How do you build trust in someone that you never see? It's definitely not ideal, but again, they seem to know what they are doing..and it's covered by our insurance for the most part. I shouldn't complain. We're lucky to have them...I have to remind myself of that often.