This made me laugh out loud...

QUESTIONER: “Wow, I didn’t know you were married that long. How many kids do you have?”

ME: “None. They’re on backorder. I ordered them, like, forever ago. I don’t know, they must be out of stock.”

(Source)

Coming into the home stretch

So today marks 11 dpiui. Only 4 more days until the Big Test. I'm feeling good, nervous, but good. I haven't had any cramping, spotting, or anything yet. I'm hoping to keep it that way because that's how each other cycle has started over the last 7 months. Usually I'm going crazy by this time, but thankfully hubby and I are moving tomorrow so I have a lot of other things to think about!

Ok, so this is going to sound super selfish, but like I've said before, this is my "safe place" and I am going to be honest. The last few months have been absolutely chock full of pregnancy/birth announcements. More than I've ever seen before. Just yesterday, two babies were born and one pregnancy was announced. In one day! As happy as I am for these new moms, and I truly am happy for them, it just breaks my heart each time. I keep telling myself I need to get off Facebook for a few months, but can never bring myself to do it. I want to know when these events happen, I cannot hide from life, as appealing as that may sound right now.

I'm trying to remain focused on feeling positive, praying hard, and getting myself through the next four days. I know it will happen when it is my time, I just hope that's soon. I don't know how many more cycles my heart (not to mention my body) can take.

 (Source)

Waitin' on the world to change

Well we're 7 dpiui and already I'm going crazy wondering if it worked! This is usually the time it begins to weigh on me, though. The first week goes by quickly, but the second is excruciating. I had my IUIs on Saturday and Sunday, the 18th and 19th and they both went really well. My hormone levels were where they should be, I had 7 mature follicles, and no issues with the catheter. Awesome.

I spent afternoon at my cousin's baby shower and my MIL's 50th birthday party, which was nice because I didn't have time to think about the procedure at all. It was nice to be surrounded by both of our families, even if only a few people know what we are going through. After Sunday's treatment, Pete began painting the house for our move next week. I was instructed (by him) to spend the day on the couch since we'd had a crazy weekend so far. So, as directed by my handsome hubs, I spent a leisurely day reading, watching chick flix, and trying to "cook a baby" as we say. hehe

On Tuesday, I developed a dull pain in my abdomen. By Wednesday night I couldn't stand up straight for long periods of time. Since then it has come and gone, but hasn't really gotten any worse. I'm not sure what it is, but if it continues, I'm going to have to go have an ultrasound to make sure it's not my ovaries enlarging too much. According to the Follistim's website, I would also likely have nausea, dizziness, and gain weight if my ovaries have been hyperstimulated...and so far, it's just the pain. If by Monday I'm not feeling better, I will probably call the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to make sure everything's ok.

For now, I feel pretty good and I'm hoping for the best....really hoping for the best. 

I feel like a gumball machine

This morning I went in for another check up. The cyst on my left ovary is still going down, it's down to 30mm now, so that's good. I also have one 10mm follicle on my left, but they don't expect that to turn into anything of worth. But on my right, I have several 10mm, one 11mm, one 12mm, and one 13mm. I was shocked when she told me how many there were! Obviously they don't want all of them to fully mature, just a few. So I need to do two more nights worth of Follistim injections and go in again on Friday. But over all, they say I am progressing beautifully and should be on target for an IUI on Saturday. I can't tell you how thrilled I am. I know it doesn't mean anything really, but it just feels good to have a positive visit to that place! I left feeling optimistic, which hasn't happened lately. Success. :-)

Hopefully they will continue to grow over the next few days and will be ready for this weekend's treatments. I hate to get my hopes up again, but it's hard not to.

*sigh*

Finding hope in unexpected places

Swiss Cheese and Promises

On Saturday, Peter and I went for a check up to see how I am responding to the Follistim. The ultrasound revealed little other than the fact that my cyst has more than doubled in size in just 2 days. The doctor said that as long as my estrogen levels remain where they are, there is no reason to worry about it...it will begin to go away on it's own. Otherwise, it was rather uneventful. The nurse told us that she would call with the results of my blood work, until then we just had to wait. Story of my life. Luckily they called pretty quickly and said the Follistim is working, slowly...but surely. They told me to up my dose to 75iu and to come back on Monday (today). So today I went in and my ultrasound showed that my cyst is shrinking, which is awesome! I also have two follicles beginning to grow in my right ovary. Sweeet! My blood work confirmed my progress and they want me to continue the 75iu injections tonight and tomorrow and come in for blood work and an ultrasound on Wednesday.

So far the injections haven't been too stressful, except for the first one. It took us the better part of an hour to complete the first because I was scared. haha Thank goodness I have a patient husband. He eventually just took the injector out of my hand and did it himself. Since then, we've gotten better at it. I have to switch sides each day so my bruises can heal a little on the off day. Between the crook of my arm and my stomach, I look like a piece of abused Swiss cheese. The shots feel like any other shot, but the liquid burns like mad for about half an hour after it goes in. But as I've said, it will all be worth it if it works.

I'm trying really, really hard not to be too hopeful, but this cycle is going pretty well...aahhhhh I just hate the let down every time. It's so painful to go 16 days wondering if it worked, looking for signs, analyzing every twinge. It's truly exhausting. I've spent the last six months trying to find a balanced emotion..where I can be positive, but with a level head and the understanding that so much of this is about the odds. It's like we are rolling a dice, hoping for a six. We just have to wait, eventually we'll hit. (At least that's what they tell me.) For now, we're living on hope and prayer..and faith that God already knows the amazing little person He will send to us when the time is right. No matter what that means.

Oh the highs and lows

I find all these intense highs and lows to be exhausting. Perhaps it's all the medications I'm on, but I just cannot manage my emotions. Like at all. I'm completely out of control some days. I think the hardest part is that most people don't know about what we are doing, so I just look like a crazy person. I try to hold myself together, and I think I do a good job most days...but I have my moments.

Today, however, was a good day. :-) After waiting ALL day for the results of my blood work, the nurse finally called to tell me that the cyst is not producing enough hormones to be an issue, so we are going to press on and start the injectables. So that's good news! We will start the shots tonight, though I am super nervous about it. I am pretty sure Pete's going to have to do it. I lucked out though...I only need to take one shot, once a day, and only for four days. Pretty sweet compared to what I thought it was going to be. AND as I was looking at the medicine bottles, I realized that if I respond well to this dosage and we are still not successful this cycle, I have enough medicine for THREE cycles! How awesome is that?! I won't have to worry about the insurance company turning us down any time soon.

Good day. Good day. Thanks for sharing in this adventure with us :-)

Someone hum the Jepardy theme song please...I can't take the waiting!

Sometimes I hate going to these appointments alone. I really do. Unfortunately, most of them are scheduled for after Peter's already at work and they can take 4 hours on some days. Thank goodness my job is flexible, or there would be absolutely no way we could do this. Most days it's not a problem to go alone, the visits are usually uneventful. Just check ups. But then there are mornings like today. The ones that knock me on my butt and instantly bring tears to my eyes. After waiting and hour and a half, they finally had a room for me. I got my blood work done and waited some more for my ultrasound to see if my body has come down off the medicine and is ready to start again. I never really know what to expect from these appointments. But I'm always nervous. During what they call the "Morning monitoring" hours, there is a different doctor every day. This guy was nice, he's one of my favorites. He is one of the only doctors that takes the time to answer questions and make sure I'm ok before he leaves. I really appreciate that, especially when I'm alone there. He started the ultrasound and noticed a large mass on my left ovary. And by large, I mean you could hardly see the ovary at all. I immediately knew something was off because I hadn't seen anything like that on the screen before. He turned on the lights and slowly explained that there is a large cyst, but we really have to wait for my blood work to see what that means. He basically said that depending on my estrogen level, we will either need to stop treatments and wait for a few months, or it will just be a residual follicle from last cycle and we can continue as planned. UGH. I was so upset at the thought of having to wait longer to start this medicine that has me up at night worrying. I just want to start it and get it over with. It's hard to go to work after that, just a lovely way to start a day. Don't you think? Well, an iced latte and bowl of fruit salad later, I am feeling better. But now I have to wait for the call. That's always the worst part: The waiting.

All for one...but I want it first

So after a looong three week wait, we are finally able to continue our treatments...now with the injectable medications. (yippy) I am still very hesitant to begin this course of treatment, and need to continually remind myself that this is not in my hands. God is faithful, I cannot be afraid of what I cannot control. But I admit, I'm scared to death. Not only of the side effects and risks, but of the fact that this is our last shot before they will want us to move on to IVF. If I don't respond to this medicine, we will have to take a (few year) break. Not appealing, but we're hoping for the best!

Right now I'm sitting in the waiting room, it's 6:30am. No one is happy about being here. We all file in quietly, seems that it's an unwritten rule that you just don't talk in here. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. But it seems like we all try to conceal any trace of happiness because we are all struggling. Nothing more than a quiet hello, holding the door for the pajama clad girl behind you, an encouraging smile to the woman coming out with tears in her eyes. In many ways we are a team. All for one, and one for all. Except not. In reality we are all aware of who is here, who has been here at least as long as we have. While I hope all my fellow waiting room comrades are all successful and live happily ever after...I want it first. How selfish is that?! But I can say that here, this is my safe place. Don't judge me. :) But in many ways, it's exactly how I feel. I want to win, as if this is a competition. I immediately get jealous of anyone who even looks pregnant. Ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous. But I can't help it. I don't feel that way outside of the waiting room, at least not as much. I get pangs of sadness when I see cute little babies or baby bellies, but in all, I am happy for them...as long as they let me hold him or her. hehe


This morning on the radio I heard this portion of scripture:

As for God, His way is perfect.   

Psalm 18:30a

Then the host said "Now take a deep breath." Someone needs to say these things to me every morning. I just let it wash over me as I drove and I was reminded that God's got my back. I don't need to stress myself out so much. I know I will, and don't know that it's possible not to, but I can at least be reminded that He's on my side, He has a plan. He wrote this story, it's my job to trust him and live it.