All for one...but I want it first

So after a looong three week wait, we are finally able to continue our treatments...now with the injectable medications. (yippy) I am still very hesitant to begin this course of treatment, and need to continually remind myself that this is not in my hands. God is faithful, I cannot be afraid of what I cannot control. But I admit, I'm scared to death. Not only of the side effects and risks, but of the fact that this is our last shot before they will want us to move on to IVF. If I don't respond to this medicine, we will have to take a (few year) break. Not appealing, but we're hoping for the best!

Right now I'm sitting in the waiting room, it's 6:30am. No one is happy about being here. We all file in quietly, seems that it's an unwritten rule that you just don't talk in here. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. But it seems like we all try to conceal any trace of happiness because we are all struggling. Nothing more than a quiet hello, holding the door for the pajama clad girl behind you, an encouraging smile to the woman coming out with tears in her eyes. In many ways we are a team. All for one, and one for all. Except not. In reality we are all aware of who is here, who has been here at least as long as we have. While I hope all my fellow waiting room comrades are all successful and live happily ever after...I want it first. How selfish is that?! But I can say that here, this is my safe place. Don't judge me. :) But in many ways, it's exactly how I feel. I want to win, as if this is a competition. I immediately get jealous of anyone who even looks pregnant. Ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous. But I can't help it. I don't feel that way outside of the waiting room, at least not as much. I get pangs of sadness when I see cute little babies or baby bellies, but in all, I am happy for them...as long as they let me hold him or her. hehe


This morning on the radio I heard this portion of scripture:

As for God, His way is perfect.   

Psalm 18:30a

Then the host said "Now take a deep breath." Someone needs to say these things to me every morning. I just let it wash over me as I drove and I was reminded that God's got my back. I don't need to stress myself out so much. I know I will, and don't know that it's possible not to, but I can at least be reminded that He's on my side, He has a plan. He wrote this story, it's my job to trust him and live it.