"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw

Yesterday I got the chance to visit with some very special people I have not seen in a long time. We chatted, laughed, and reminisced. It was wonderful. I was sad to see them go, but felt energized and happy again for the first time in at least a week. I have known for a long time how quickly I let my emotions spiral out of control. There are times I feel as though I could take a step back and watch myself blow up, as if I am not connected to that personality. I am learning ways to deal with that, to hide it, to manage it the best I can. But during this last month, I have learned that my only tactic for coping with the stress, anger, and sadness is to isolate myself from everyone. Including my husband, which is something I swore I wouldn't do.

When we started this process, Peter and I talked and talked about how we would deal with different situations and emotions that might present themselves along the way. We agreed that our marriage is most important and if the stress began to seep in, we'd take a break from treatments and regroup. Well that's what this month has meant for us. Though we didn't choose it, I am beginning to understand that God did. It's becoming clear that we needed this time for us, and God used my cysts to be sure that we had it, otherwise I would have continued to bury my feelings, shutting him out, pushing him away. But this month off treatments was a blessing, and it took a visit from friends for me to see that...even if we never talked about the subject. When they left, I realized how happy I was and wanted to hold on to that. I didn't want to sink back into that dark place and hide from what I am feeling. So I took some time to pray, to cry, and to reflect on why I am acting this way and how I need to change it in order to make amends with Pete.

See, the thing is, we just react differently to things...and this situation is no different. I shut down, knowing that nothing anyone can say will make a difference, he shuts down because he doesn't know what to do or say since I cut him off at every pass, believing it won't help. Well in my time of prayer, I discovered this awful pattern and realized that sometimes it's not about what he's going to do or say, it's about letting him say it even if it doesn't make me feel better...because it will make him feel better. I am feeling broken, but he is feeling powerless. He sees me hurting. He hears me cry at night. But he can't do anything about it, because I won't let him. How awful is that? Yet, I'd venture to say that it's not uncommon among couples going through this process. The other night, I was curled in a ball on the couch just bawling my eyes out, you know that hysterical kind of cry where you can't catch a breath and all the tears are running into your ears? That one. Pete was trying to calm me down and I just wouldn't let him. I was being difficult, I knew it. But I didn't care. Finally he said "Jack, just let me in!"

And he was right. Now things need to change, that is not what I want our story to be. This is not me against him, it's us together. He is hurting as much as I am, he just doesn't show it in the same way. I guess the moral of the story is that I need to talk about how I am feeling even if it's just to get it out. There may not be anything to say to make the situation better, but at least we will go through it together. And that's something.

Sorry friends, yet another day of Negative Nancy.

My ovaries are about to pop. I cannot believe how much pressure I am feeling from these freaking cysts. I spent the whole evening laying on the couch because it was so uncomfortable to stand up it wasn't worth it. Thankfully I needed to catch up on a few shows...good excuse, right? :) I have two more weeks until I go for my next ultrasound and I just hope they go down before then. I wish I had a little machine here that could tell me if I am making any progress. A month is a long time to be in limbo! I know I am supposed to be taking it easy and not thinking about it, but I cannot help it! It's in my face all the time. Just this week alone I know 3 people with new babies. THIS WEEK! How is it possible? Is it just because I wasn't paying attention before? Or are there seriously just more pregnant women this year? 

This week I am subbing at my aunt's preschool. It's really great to have something else to focus on. Well I was working with a girl today who is 9 months pregnant, by accident and ready to be done with the whole thing. Lovely. Just what I wanted to hear about today. So much for "getting my mind off" my own crap. And next month I am going to be covering her class for 4 weeks until school starts, which is great because I am going to be making some extra money, but it sucks to know that I am covering her class so she can be home with her new baby.

When will it be my turn?

Will it ever be my turn?

Praying for a miracle

Have I mentioned that I hate waiting?! 

I'm going crazy. Like really crazy. 

I feel so overwhelmed. 

So frustrated. 

So alone. 

 

So I pray.

I can count a million times,
people asking me how I can praise You with all that I've gone through.
The question just amazes me.
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You?
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me.. what's a little rain?
So I pray

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart, cause joy and peace he brings. And the beauty that’s in store outweighs the hurt of life’s sting.

So give them to me :)

I have heard so many women complaining about their kids lately and talking about how difficult motherhood is. Now, I don't doubt that it is difficult at times, but forgive me if I say "boo hoo" to these comments. I almost cannot contain myself when I hear these conversations, especially when I am supposed to be a part of the dialog. I just want to shout out that some of us are fighting with everything we have...time, money, energy, and emotion to be in the position you are in! I understand that it will not always be as wonderful as one could hope, but that's all part of the package.

I know these women are just venting, love their children, and just don't know what I'm going through....but it still bugs me.

Oh hormones, I hate you so much. You're making me a crazy person.

I know He has a plan, but right now it just stinks.

 This time last year I was getting ready to leave on a life changing trip to Grand Bahama Island with my church youth group.

I was asked to help lead this mission trip by one of the other leaders in the church, and I hesitantly said that I would go. I was really nervous that I wasn't the right person for the job, that I wouldn't really have anything to offer the people in the villages. Though I hate to admit it, I am super cranky in the heat...so I was pretty worried about keeping my attitude in check while being physically tested in ways I have never experienced. Once we arrived in the village, I fell in love with the island and those around me.

 This little boy touched my heart. From the beginning of the week he was right there, offering me water, helping me with whatever task I was working at the moment, asking me to take pictures with him during breaks. :)  Now, I this trip everyone was filthy. Like all the time. I mean, when I took off my shoes at the end of the day, there was a line where my normal skin color stopped and the dirt began. Just disgusting. After a while, the thought of a cold shower was more than enough to get you through the dirt, sweat, and heat of the day. Well, when we were painting...it got worse! You were now covered with multicolored dirt on top of the brown nastiness. It became something of a game to see who got the dirtiest! At the end of the day, we would take baby wipes and just get the first layer or so off...just so we could have a semi-comfortable ride home on the 100 degree school bus. Well this little guy, the sweetest child I have ever met, took a baby wipe and began to wash my arm.

Can you believe that? I have never been more touched in all of my life. I will never forget him. I was so happy to later find out that someone captured the moment, I often pray for this boy, though I cannot remember his name, while looking at this photo.

When the week was over, I expected to feel relieved...I was going home to my husband, my family, my BED! But I wasn't. I was sad to be leaving so soon. I was worried that I hadn't given enough. It had taken me a little more than a day to adjust my attitude, though I hope no one noticed my negative feelings. Wasted time. I wasted more than a day focusing on my discomfort, rather than on how I could use this time to serve the children, the families, and the students in our group. The week had changed me and I haven't been the same since.

I couldn't wait for the next year. What would the task be?? How would be serve those families? What games would be play with the children? Would we have the chance to see the families from this summer again?

In December, Peter and I began our RE visits and it became clear that I wouldn't be able to go on the Bahamas trip this year because I was going to be 5-6 months pregnant and wouldn't be able to handle it. The RE was sure it would happen for us on the first try, no problem! We are young, healthy...we'd succeed for sure! Well ok then! So I told the leader of the trip about what we were doing and said that I would have to sit this year out, even though it broke my heart to say those words. I didn't want to stay home, but how could I go when I was that pregnant? It just wouldn't work.

Well, apparently that was a huge load of crap. Here we are, a week before the trip and I am very much NOT pregnant. What a slap in the face...followed by a punch in the gut.

Do not worry...Pray.

 (Source)

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life" 

 - Philippians 4:6-7

Hello, my name is Veruca Salt.

Veruca Salt:  I want a party with rooms full of laughter, Ten thousand tons of ice cream. And if I don't get the things I am after, I'm going to screeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEAM. 

(source)

One month has never sounded so long in all my life.

I hate all the waiting.

I don't know if it's good or bad, but I've gone from not really knowing what I'm feeling to being angry. Like really angry. I'm angry with the doctors for not knowing what to do. I'm angry with myself for wanting this so badly, for allowing it to control my life. My every thought. I am trying my best to keep myself in check, but as the days go on, I feel like I'm losing even the shred of self control I thought I had. Maybe this is too early in the process for me to be feeling this, but I can't help it. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, only to have them crash around me. I'm tired of hearing that my time will come, that God's just not ready yet. What if he's never ready? What if this isn't in the cards for us? I wish there was some giant magic 8 ball that could tell me to keep going or to just give up. I can accept either answer, but why do I need to go through all this heartache if it's never going to happen? Some days it feels like a cruel joke.

I know this was a bit of a rant, but that's how I'm feeling. I feel like screaming at everyone who comes near me, just because. There are moments I feel so mad I could just pop. I know it won't always be this way, but for today, this is what I'm working with...and it's not much. I hope I don't come off that way to everyone, because honestly, so few people know what we are going through that I would just look like a crazy person. Pete says no one would know, I hope he's right. I don't want to be the insane woman I feel like, I don't want to be consumed. I know I am not in control, that God's hands are all over this situation, I trust that He has a plan for our lives and knows what will happen...but I don't know how to just let that happen. I am so afraid that if I do, we'll never have a baby. That maybe that's been the plan all along. And what if it is? I mean, I have no problem with adopting, but it will be years and years before we could ever afford that. I just don't want to wait that long.

How ridiculous does that sound? Geez, I feel like a child when I say that, but it's the truth. I want a baby and I want it now. The Veruca Salt inside of me is showing her ugly attitude. I don't want to go through all the poking and ultrasounds, the blood work, the nasty medications and self-injections. I don't want to spend hours a week in a waiting room, just waiting for the bad news. I don't want to lay on a table crying moments after an IUI because I know this one probably won't work either. I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't want to be broken, I just want to be normal. 

And I want it now.

 

And the fun continues

I went for my Day 3 ultrasound this morning and it revealed 4 large cysts, 2 on each of my ovaries. By large, I mean when the doctor tried to find my left ovary, a quarter of the screen appeared to go blank..but it was actually just one of the cysts. Not great. He basically said they would review my blood work, but there's really no way we can continue until it goes away. If we try another cycle right now, there's a solid chance of ovarian torsion, which can essentially kill my ovary.

I'm really frustrated because I quit my job to give us a better shot at this and now by the time we can start again...I'll be working. Not only is my stress level low, but I have oodles of time..what better month is there to feel so crappy all the time?! UGH

So we wait.

Again.

Here we go again

I had my blood pregnancy test yesterday morning, and as usual it was negative. I don't even know what to feel at this point. I spent the whole day unpacking boxes into our new apartment and just crying. (At least I was productive this time, last month I couldn't get off the couch all day) When I first realized how difficult this was going to be, I made a deal with myself that in the event of a failed cycle, I could have the rest of the day to do as I please, even if that meant laying on the couch crying and watching movies all day. This time allows me to get a grip on myself and to regroup a bit. Not to say I'm ok after that, but I cannot allow myself to feel that way all the time, no matter how strong the urge may be to mope.

At this point, we need to decide what to do next. Do we try again...for the eighth time? Do we take a few months/years off? I don't know. I have an appointment on Wednesday to see what the doctors think, so I won't make any decisions until then. I am thankful that the new medication worked so well, at least we're moving in the right direction...but that doesn't make it hurt less.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

-Casting Crowns

Or so I thought..

I really believed that moving, changing jobs, and a few craft projects would be more than enough to keep my mind off my Sunday morning test. Oh how silly of me. Of course that wouldn't be enough! I just piled all those things on top, as usual. hehe Gosh I'm bad. But I can't help it!

I'm going nuts. Like crazy, out of my mind, nuts. I need to know. I felt a few cramps yesterday, but nothing since and no spotting. Usually by now I'm spotting and cramping pretty badly. I don't necessarily think that means anything...but it's nice to feel a little hope.

To be honest, I know this sounds ridiculous, (but I'm going to say it anyway) part of me actually enjoys this two week wait (2ww) because I get to pretend it worked. I get to imagine the possibilities. I get to dream of success.

(Source)