Yesterday I got the chance to visit with some very special people I have not seen in a long time. We chatted, laughed, and reminisced. It was wonderful. I was sad to see them go, but felt energized and happy again for the first time in at least a week. I have known for a long time how quickly I let my emotions spiral out of control. There are times I feel as though I could take a step back and watch myself blow up, as if I am not connected to that personality. I am learning ways to deal with that, to hide it, to manage it the best I can. But during this last month, I have learned that my only tactic for coping with the stress, anger, and sadness is to isolate myself from everyone. Including my husband, which is something I swore I wouldn't do.
When we started this process, Peter and I talked and talked about how we would deal with different situations and emotions that might present themselves along the way. We agreed that our marriage is most important and if the stress began to seep in, we'd take a break from treatments and regroup. Well that's what this month has meant for us. Though we didn't choose it, I am beginning to understand that God did. It's becoming clear that we needed this time for us, and God used my cysts to be sure that we had it, otherwise I would have continued to bury my feelings, shutting him out, pushing him away. But this month off treatments was a blessing, and it took a visit from friends for me to see that...even if we never talked about the subject. When they left, I realized how happy I was and wanted to hold on to that. I didn't want to sink back into that dark place and hide from what I am feeling. So I took some time to pray, to cry, and to reflect on why I am acting this way and how I need to change it in order to make amends with Pete.
See, the thing is, we just react differently to things...and this situation is no different. I shut down, knowing that nothing anyone can say will make a difference, he shuts down because he doesn't know what to do or say since I cut him off at every pass, believing it won't help. Well in my time of prayer, I discovered this awful pattern and realized that sometimes it's not about what he's going to do or say, it's about letting him say it even if it doesn't make me feel better...because it will make him feel better. I am feeling broken, but he is feeling powerless. He sees me hurting. He hears me cry at night. But he can't do anything about it, because I won't let him. How awful is that? Yet, I'd venture to say that it's not uncommon among couples going through this process. The other night, I was curled in a ball on the couch just bawling my eyes out, you know that hysterical kind of cry where you can't catch a breath and all the tears are running into your ears? That one. Pete was trying to calm me down and I just wouldn't let him. I was being difficult, I knew it. But I didn't care. Finally he said "Jack, just let me in!"
And he was right. Now things need to change, that is not what I want our story to be. This is not me against him, it's us together. He is hurting as much as I am, he just doesn't show it in the same way. I guess the moral of the story is that I need to talk about how I am feeling even if it's just to get it out. There may not be anything to say to make the situation better, but at least we will go through it together. And that's something.
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