Hello, my name is Veruca Salt.

Veruca Salt:  I want a party with rooms full of laughter, Ten thousand tons of ice cream. And if I don't get the things I am after, I'm going to screeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEAM. 

(source)

One month has never sounded so long in all my life.

I hate all the waiting.

I don't know if it's good or bad, but I've gone from not really knowing what I'm feeling to being angry. Like really angry. I'm angry with the doctors for not knowing what to do. I'm angry with myself for wanting this so badly, for allowing it to control my life. My every thought. I am trying my best to keep myself in check, but as the days go on, I feel like I'm losing even the shred of self control I thought I had. Maybe this is too early in the process for me to be feeling this, but I can't help it. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, only to have them crash around me. I'm tired of hearing that my time will come, that God's just not ready yet. What if he's never ready? What if this isn't in the cards for us? I wish there was some giant magic 8 ball that could tell me to keep going or to just give up. I can accept either answer, but why do I need to go through all this heartache if it's never going to happen? Some days it feels like a cruel joke.

I know this was a bit of a rant, but that's how I'm feeling. I feel like screaming at everyone who comes near me, just because. There are moments I feel so mad I could just pop. I know it won't always be this way, but for today, this is what I'm working with...and it's not much. I hope I don't come off that way to everyone, because honestly, so few people know what we are going through that I would just look like a crazy person. Pete says no one would know, I hope he's right. I don't want to be the insane woman I feel like, I don't want to be consumed. I know I am not in control, that God's hands are all over this situation, I trust that He has a plan for our lives and knows what will happen...but I don't know how to just let that happen. I am so afraid that if I do, we'll never have a baby. That maybe that's been the plan all along. And what if it is? I mean, I have no problem with adopting, but it will be years and years before we could ever afford that. I just don't want to wait that long.

How ridiculous does that sound? Geez, I feel like a child when I say that, but it's the truth. I want a baby and I want it now. The Veruca Salt inside of me is showing her ugly attitude. I don't want to go through all the poking and ultrasounds, the blood work, the nasty medications and self-injections. I don't want to spend hours a week in a waiting room, just waiting for the bad news. I don't want to lay on a table crying moments after an IUI because I know this one probably won't work either. I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't want to be broken, I just want to be normal. 

And I want it now.