Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow...You're only a day away!

Tomorrow's the day!! 

Bright and early :)  

Our embryos needed another day to get a little bigger & stronger before they are transferred. 

But they are doing really well...my hopes are high!

So keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming!!

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him." Jeremiah 17:7

I'm so nervous I can hardly stand it! Tomorrow's the day. Or at least it could be, it all depends on our embryo development. If they are ready, it will be tomorrow afternoon. If they need a little more time, it will be Thursday morning. Either way, really soon! 

After my retrieval, the nurse gave me a sheet encouraging me to get 10 minutes of laser acupuncture before and after my transfer. It's not covered by insurance, and kind of expensive, especially since I'm not really working right now. I'm waiting to hear from the doctor to get more information, mainly how much it increases chances, on average. The only thing is, if I don't do it and the transfer fails, I will be upset that I didn't do everything I could. So basically I guess I don't need to wait to talk to the doctor, apparently I've already decided. haha

Ahhh I can hardly believe we're doing this...though my ovaries are a constant (huge) reminder. As a matter of fact, they are so large right now, I have to pee three times a night because they're pushing on my bladder. After grumbling about this to Pete, he so kindly reminded me that if I get pregnant, that's not going to stop for a while. haha Thanks, dear. 

So do me a favor for the next few days, send up a prayer, cross your fingers (and toes?), and think positive thoughts for my uterus! :)

Great is Thy Faithfulness!

I spent most of the day and night on the couch and I am still very sore, though it doesn't feel like the same type of pain as yesterday. I started three new medications, two pills and one tablet that is administered with something similar to a tampon applicator. Joy. All of these cause extreme nausea, but as long as I don't move a muscle, it's pretty ok ;-)  

Hey, at least it's not a shot in the butt, right??

Peter has been beyond wonderful, making all the meals and bringing me Gatorade (which I hate but have to drink). He is so sweet and a wonderful nurse, I am very lucky! We woke up early this morning, mostly because I am so uncomfortable I couldn't lay fat anymore. The nurse was supposed to call me with the results of our fertilization, so I decided that when she did, I would ask if it was normal to be this uncomfortable 24 hours later.

Just as I turned on my phone this morning, she called! She started by asking me how I was feeling, and I told her about my experience so far. She said that I am at a very high risk for hyper-stimulation and I need to track my symptoms. She gave me a list of things to watch for, but said she didn't like that I was feeling so uncomfortable hours after the procedure so she may want me to come in to be examined tomorrow morning.We'll see how it goes today.

She said of my 17 eggs, 16 of them were mature, which is completely awesome and unexpected. AND of those 16, 14 of them were fertilized!!

AHHHHH!! We have 14 embryos!! Now I don't know how many will last and be viable for implantation, and won't for a few days, but it's an awesome start!! I'm in complete awe of this blessing. I never imagined we would get so many. Once they are graded, I am hoping for 6-8 to be viable (and able to be frozen), giving us a good chance at 2-4 children in the future and not leaving much room for difficult decisions for what to do with the unused embryos.

 "Great is Thy faithfulness!

  Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
    "Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!"

I Dream of Recipes

I had my egg retrieval this morning...and it wasn't like anything I was expecting!! We needed to be there at 8am for my 9:30 retrieval, but we got there super early just so that I could be calm. We sat in the main waiting room for a while, then they brought me to the recovery room to explain what was going to happen. I got dressed in my pretty little gowns, complete with a hair net and blue booties! Woot woot!

Then they hooked up my IV and started pumping me with fluids since I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything for 12 hours before and was dehydrated. The nurses that took care of me were SO friendly and caring, it really made the best of an uncomfortable situation. The anesthesiologist came in to check on me a few times, he was super nice too. He held my hand (and IV baggage) and guided me in to the room across the hall.  I wasn't allowed to wear contacts so it was a little scary walking into the operating room filled with people looking at me and crazy machines all around. He got me up on the table and the nurse started to strap my legs down in these weird fuzzy tubes. Then they strapped my arms down loosely and started the IV anesthesia. I don't like when I don't have control of my body, and not being able to see didn't help..so my heart rate started to rise. The anesthesiologist noticed and gave me some oxygen and rubbed my head, saying that I was doing just fine. Everything I was feeling was normal. What a sweet man. I wish I had been in my right mind when it was all over, I would have hugged him! As the wave of sleep washed over me, I silently cried out to the Lord to guide the doctors and bless us with a bunch of eggs.

And (what felt like) moments later, I woke up with Peter holding my hand in the recovery room. There was a nurse checking my vitals and asking me how I felt. I was sore and really sleepy. She said when I was ready, she was going to bring me some juice and crackers to bring my blood sugar back up, but to rest of the time being. Apparently, when they first took off my oxygen mask, I told the doctors (all three of them, plus a nurse) that I was dreaming about recipes. HA!

We spent the next hour and a half in recovery, waiting for me to be able to walk and eat on my own. I kept losing chunks of time, which was really strange. Pete said I would be talking and all the sudden stop, then seconds later say "I'm sorry, how long was I sleeping?" haha I felt like I had taken a nap, but in reality, it had only been seconds...and my eyes were open the whole time. He got a kick out of it :)

The nurse checked on me at some point, bringing me my snack and some Tylenol. (The woman next to me got codeine...lucky!) The next time she came in to see how I was doing, she brought a green piece of paper with a number on it. She started by saying that they expect 6-12 eggs when they go in for an retrieval and then turned the paper toward me. I couldn't see what it was, because I didn't have my contacts in, so she brought it closer.

They extracted 17 eggs.

17!!!!!!

I cried. I couldn't believe it. Even the nurse said it was unusually high and that I did very well. I rested a while longer and once they gave me my instructions for the next week and I was able to walk to the bathroom on my own, they let me go home.

Now we just have to wait to hear how many of the eggs were mature and were able to be fertilized!

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever. 

                                                                                                                                    

                                                                                                                        - Psalm 107:1

"X" marks the spot

I went in again this morning for an ultrasound and blood work..and we're all set! My hormones are great and we're ready for our retrieval....tomorrow! AHH I can hardly believe it. I'm so excited I can't sit still and so nervous I want to throw up.

During my appointment yesterday, the nurse marked my butt where I would need to take my trigger shot...to get my eggs ready to ovulate and be taken out. I went the whole day dreading it. This was the one I knew was coming...the butt shot. DUN DUN DUN!

Pete did a great job. We were a little aggressive with mixing the medication which cause it to foam up. I was really afraid we ruined it, but the on-call pharmacist said we just had to wait a bit and it would be ok. Though before she called us back, I have to admit that I may have thrown a candlestick in the same manner that "Batman would throw a getaway grenade" as my husband lovingly pointed it. haha It broke, but that was the only casualty of the night, so we'll call it a success. Once we iced the "X" I hardly felt the needle. I just had to walk around for a while, as the nurse mentioned, it turned into a charlie horse...in my butt! Who knew?! hehe

But it's all over now, and honestly wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Now comes the hard part, the egg retrieval. I'm just praying for a lot of eggs!! One step at a time, right?

*sigh of relief*

We're almost there.

Don't stop believing...

So we're in the thick of this crazy cycle...my stomach can prove it! Good thing I don't ever wear a bikini! hehe But seriously, my stomach looks super gross. Not to mention the crook of my arms. I'm a mess. Thankfully it's getting cold now and I can wear long sleeves. It was a long summer! It's so embarrassing sometimes.

On Wednesday I went for blood work and an ultrasound. On my right side there were several follicles that were growing, about 8 or so. On my left, only two smallish ones. It was a good start, the doctor seemed pleased. When they called me in the afternoon with my results, my estrogen level was too high so they decreased my medication and said they need to watch me closely from here on out or until it goes down. Now I have to go every morning for monitoring to ensure that my ovaries are safe and my hormones don't go wild.

Since then, my follicles have grown quite a bit. I've got about a dozen or more on the right and 6-7 on the left. We are definitely in good shape, though they still want me to continue to come in each morning at 6am to watch my estrogen levels and follicle growth. It's important that this process happen slowly, so they just want to be sure that they are in control at all times. It makes me feel very secure to know that so many people are monitoring my status and would rather play it safe than make risky choices. The other nice thing about being in this study is that I have access to ANY medication they need to use at no extra cost to me. So if I need to switch, no problem! Just good to know.

One of the doctors thinks I may be ready as early as Thursday, which is much sooner than I expected, but that's a good thing. That would mean a transfer on Sunday so I can have the day to rest and try to "cook a baby."   :) 

And it begins...

Ok friends, it's go time! I went in for blood work and an ultrasound and the doctor said my hormones are right where they need to be so we can start our stimulating cycle. I didn't expect to be starting for another week or two so that was a bit of a shock, but honestly, the sooner, the better, right? 

Now I am only taking 5 units of Lupron and 1ml of a nice little cocktail I get to mix myself. (Too bad I can't mix a real one to go with it!) In my shopping bag full of goodies, I have about a bazillion of these little vials filled with powder and sodium chloride.

I have to mix all four powders together using this little cup that goes on the end of the syringe...it's super scary actually. I'm petrified that I'm going to do it wrong...I actually called my on-call pharmacist (kind of weird that I have one of those) and had her walk me through it to ease my mind. I finally got it all mixed, knocked out all the air bubbles and Pete administered the injection. OH.MY.GOSH was it uncomfortable! Not pain, just super pressure. Like someone blowing up a balloon inside my body. Once I put some ice on it for a few minutes it didn't hurt anymore, but whoa baby...didn't love it. 

So I have to take these three meds for the next three days and then I go in for blood work and an ultrasound to see if any follicles are growing. 

I'm so nervous I could throw up. This has to work. It just has to. 

I'm trying to stay in the moment, so right now I am just praying for follicles. Lots and lots of follicles. But not too many...or else they'll cancel my cycle. So just enough follicles. 

One step at a time. 

*Breathe*

Beauty will rise from these ashes.

Can you feel Autumn in the air? I love it! I love everything about the Fall. The smells, the cool breeze, the crunch of the leaves...the food! :) And this year, Autumn, rather than Spring, brings hope of new life for our family. I know it may be dangerous, but right now I am filled with overwhelming feelings of hope, excitement, and anticipation for what the remainder of this year will bring. I am past trying to stay "level headed" through this process...I can't take all these shots each day and not be hopeful that a miracle will take place. I have to at least believe that it can happen, don't I? 

I've finished my contraceptive pills at this point, now I am just taking Lupron in the evenings. It's not too bad as far as the injections go. A small needle, about an inch long. I have not been able to take it in my thigh again, it freaks me out for some reason. I'm comfortable with taking them all in my stomach, but unfortunately, I'm already beginning to look something like an abused pin cushion...and we have a long way to go. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and start rotating in my thighs soon...ughhhh! 

*Baby*

*Baby*

*Baby*

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that this isn't for the rest of my life. That it's for a good cause. That it's going to help us. 

Other times I just close my eyes and pretend like my bathroom doesn't look like a hospital :)

So far this cycle isn't too bad! I am in my second week of birth control...crazy, I know. Sounds totally counterproductive, but they need to suppress my body before I can start the stimulating cycle in hopes of creating follicles. My first injection this time around was Lupron...it's subcutaneous...thankfully! Just one shot, once a day. Not too bad! The list of side effects was lengthy, including breast reduction! Who wants to hear that?! This better be worth it, hehe :)

I expected the Lupron to take it out of me, but I haven't anything other than a little rash at the injection site..which unfortunately rotates from my stomach to my thigh every other day...so it's really just itchy everywhere. But that's nothing compared to what it could be! When I went in to pick up my second suitcase filled with injections the nurse asked me how I was doing on the Lupron so far..when I said I was totally fine she replied, "Haha! Just wait, the effects will come." But it's been on it for a few days now, so I'm holding to the hope that it will be fine. 

So now the next step is just taking the Lupron and contraceptive pills until the 21st and then I go in for blood work to see if I can start my stimulating cycle...I think. Really I just wait for the call in the morning and they tell me what to do, I don't get to know things before they happen. That's ok with me, though...less to worry about. I'm just taking it all day by day, dreading the day I need to give myself the intramuscular injections and this nasty looking gel in a tampon applicator. Yeah. Pleasant sounding, huh? 

Welcome to my new life. 

Nothing is sacred. 

It's worth it.

As of September 1st, we are officially in an IVF cycle. I can hardly believe it. I didn't imagine us in this situation for at least 5-7 years. God is so good.

I have been very nervous about the entire thing so far. I'm trying to remain level-headed..but also know the power of positive thinking and remaining calm...so I am allowing myself to believe this will work. Dangerous? Perhaps. But honestly, it's going to be a long 4 months either way, so why not do it with hope that it will work out?

Right now I am taking birth control pills to suppress my hormones and get my body ready for the first round of medication. I don't know much about these meds just yet, but I am nervous already! I know most of them are shots, and from what I understand, at least one will be intramuscular...meaning gigantic! And it has to go in my hip...uuughh!

But I'm not thinking of that right now. I am focusing on how blessed we are to have this opportunity. How our lives may change in the coming months. How no matter what happens, I am not in control...but my Savior is, and that's all I need to know.  :)

Answered Prayers - It's long, but read it all..it's worth it!

This week has thrown me for an emotional loop. My head it spinning with possibilities and questions, I don't even know where to begin to explain it all. 

On my way to the doctor Tuesday morning, God and I had it out. I was exhausted, frustrated, and scared of what I was about to learn at my appointment. I cried my eyes out as  I pleaded for answers, for peace, for a baby. I prayed that He would be more clear in His plan, my heart needed a break. I prayed that either this cycle be successful, or we be approved for a medical loan for $16,000 to try two cycles of IVM with the doctor we visited two weeks ago. I am willing to give up if that's what's necessary, but I don't want to do that unless I KNOW we have to. I begged Him for answers and then I cried, and cried, and cried some more...probably not the safest thing to do while driving...but hey.

So I finally got to the office (reapplied my make-up in the parking lot) to check my estrogen and follicle growth and they found that we missed my LH surge and I was already ovulating. They planned to do an IUI on Wednesday, but after another assessment, they determined that it was too late. So yet another failed cycle for August. We were told to continue with a natural cycle and they will still do a pregnancy test on the 30th, though it's not likely to be positive.

I was devastated. I couldn't believe we had lost our last chance. Ok God, so that was a quick answer...now on to the loan. Right? 

Not today....God has other plans for us.

A few hours after my appointment I received a phone call from a nurse wanting to schedule an appointment with our doctor for a consultation. As we started looking at dates, I asked what we were going to talk about and she mentioned that when we first started looking at options, we had said we were potentially willing to do IVF cycles. The doctor wanted to know if that was still the case. Now, theoretically, it is. However an IVF cycle is about $20,000-25,000 in their office when all is said and done...and we were struggling to come up with $8,000 for the IVM. I told her that it just wasn't in the cards right now, but in the future...yes, we probably would go down that road. 

I can almost audibly hear her smile when I finally stopped talking. She simply said, "Well that is why I am calling." 

Apparently our doctor is working on a new study to decrease the occurrence of multiples in IVF pregnancies. Right now, IVF is done by taking several viable eggs, fertilizing them, and selecting the two best "looking" embryos to place back into the uterus. In his study, for the last few years, our doctor has been working on genetically testing the embryos to find the healthiest one...meaning that it is the most likely to turn into a baby healthy enough to be carried to term. 

In his study there will be two groups, one that receives the current standard of care (2 "good-looking" embryos, unstudied) and the other that receives 1 genetically tested embryo. Right now, the standard of care yields an approximate 54% success rate, while the new treatment plans has a success rate of 72% thus far. (Both of these rates kick the pants off of the 20-30% we've been working with!!) The potential mother will not know what group she is in until the day of the transfer. 

She said the doctor is very interested in me and my history, so even though I didn't meet all the minimum requirements (my natural cycle is too long), he pushed me through. Why? Well, I believe God led him to...though I am sure he wouldn't admit to that. :) If I participate in this study, we will receive one fresh cycle and one frozen embryo cycle...for $1,600. Yes, that's right...potentially a $48,000 gift from God...and our doctor. Can you say answered prayer?! 

The doctor said that he will cover all the costs of my IVF including medication...all we would need to pay for is the anesthesia ($1,000), the cost of freezing the embryos ($600), a pregnancy monitoring cycle (approx. $3,000 - 4,000), and co-pays each visit. 

So that means we're looking at a minimum of about $5,000 for a $25,000 procedure.

Sounds amazing right? 

IT. GETS. BETTER.

As per the doctor's suggestion, I contacted our insurance company to see what percentage of a pregnancy cycle they will cover if we proceed with an IVF cycle...100%!! That's right...we're down to 2,000 for two entire cycles of IVF. 

But wait...there's more! 

My goodness, I can hardly contain myself as I write this. God is so good!!

We then learned that Peter's company has a pool of money to help cover medical costs since their insurance is not that great...we received $5,000. 

We can proceed with a treatment that it would take years for us to afford...and it will be absolutely FREE.

Now obviously this is not a guarantee by any means...but it's a chance we wouldn't have if it wasn't for the Grace and Mercy of God and the curiosity and compassion of our physician. I'll take it. 

"I am speechless. I'm astonished and amazed!

I am silenced by your wondrous grace! 

You have shown us a love that leaves us, speechless."

- Steven Curtis Chapman                

 

(Source)

"Because He lives I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
and life is worth the living just because He lives."
                                                                            - Bill Gaither

Me me me...I want healing!

I had yet another terrible appointment. The medication just isn't working. The freaking $2,500 medicine that we prayed and prayed for isn't doing a thing. I cannot express how angry I am. I am frustrated that our "last chance" isn't working at all. I'm devastated that this is truly our last try for probably a year or until we can save enough money for a more aggressive treatment. And I'm just done with it all. I hit a breaking point, ran out to my car and sobbed uncontrollably.

While I thoroughly believe that God can use anything and anyone to speak to us, I do not often realize that he is doing it IN the moment. I think He took a moment to quiet my aching heart to share His peace with me. When I finally couldn't stand the sight of my red eyes in the rear view mirror for another minute, I turned on the radio and this is what I heard:

"Be still, there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak"

I'd love to say that this simple phrase changed my life. That I'm hopeful and happy, ready to move on with my life knowing that God will provide...but that's just not the case. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel comforted knowing that I serve a God of healing...that He could, at any moment, create a miracle in our story...but I also feel frustrated that it's not now, that we are working so hard, seemingly in vein. But I have faith that one day God's plan for us will be revealed. Until then, I am trying to be patient, praying for my miracle each day...each moment of every day. He is faithful, and I must faithfully wait.

Let faith arise
I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

      -Chris Tomlin                                                    

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

We are mid cycle right now, and the almost daily 6am doctor appointments are beginning to suck my will to live. Pete's been giving me my shots for about a week, something he really hates to do. I can see the pain in his eyes with each shot, but he does a great job. It doesn't hurt that badly, only when the medicine goes in..something like a tetanus shot in the stomach. The only thing that hurts is when the follicles begin to grow. Each morning I get blood work done, as well as an ultrasound to monitor my progress and to ensure that my ovaries are not in jeopardy. So far, my follices are not maturing at all, but my cysts are growing rapidly.

Yesterday when I had my ultrasound the doctor was so insensitive, he hardly made it out of the room before I cried. He started the ultrasound, spouted all his assessments to the nurse, and walked out. Now, since we've been doing this for almost a year now, I can pretty much do my own ultrasounds and it was clear that the medicine is not working...at least not the way it should be. After a week of my shots, there is only one 12mm follicle to be found. I know it's not his job to coddle me, but even speaking directly to me at least once would have made it a nicer interaction! He came in, did his job, and left. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like that's not the way it should be. I really don't like this office, but what choice do I have at this point?

When we went to the other doctor last week, they were so nice. They chatted with us, got to know us as a couple, and even took our picture so they could put a face to the name when we spoke on the phone in the future. It was a small office and you really just felt at home. The office we are working with now is cold and I always feel like cattle being pushed from one room to another moments after the last woman has left. It's not necessarily bad, but I just feel like this is a very personal, uncomfortable, and sensitive topic...a little personal contact would go a long way. In the 10 months we've been working with them, I've never had the same doctor more than 2 days in a row. They are different every morning. How do you build trust in someone that you never see? It's definitely not ideal, but again, they seem to know what they are doing..and it's covered by our insurance for the most part. I shouldn't complain. We're lucky to have them...I have to remind myself of that often.

Waiting for Hope

"There are times when everything looks very dark to me - so dark that I have to wait before I have hope. Waiting with hope is very difficult, but true patience is expressed when we must even wait for hope. When we see no hint of success yet refuse to despair, when we see nothing but the darkness of night through out window yet keep the shutters open because stars may appear in the sky, and when we have an empty place in our heart yet will not allow it to be filled with anything less than God's best - that is the greatest kind of patience in the universe. It is the story of Job in the midst of the storm, Abraham on the road to Moriah, Moses in the desert of Midian, and the Son of Man in the Garden of Gethsemane. And there is no patience as strong as that which endures because we see "him who is invisible" (Heb. 11:27). It is the kind of patience that waits for hope.

Dear Lord, You have made waiting beautiful and patience divine. You have taught us that Your will should be accepted, simply because it is Your will. You have revealed to us that a person may see nothing but sorrow in his cup yet still be willing to drink it because of a conviction that Your eyes see further than his own.

Father, give me Your divine power - the power of Gethsemane. Give me the strength to wait for hope - to look through the window when there are no stars. Even when my joy is gone, give me the strength to stand victoriously in the darkest night and say, "To my heavenly Father, the sun still shines."

I will have reached the point of greatest strength once I have learned to wait for hope. 

-George Matheson

I Google. Do you Google?

As you can imagine, Google has become my new best friend.

And my worst enemy.

I spend my evenings Googling everything from treatment options and success stories to experimental procedures and side effects. Sometimes I go to be energized, other times depressed and defeated. More often than not, Google is bad news bears.

Well, Peter and I have been talking about getting a second opinion and finally found a doctor that looked promising. This guy has one of the only practices in the tri-state area that offers a procedure called In Vitro Maturation, which is similar to, but not as aggressive as IVF (but much less painful!). Basically the doctor takes out a bunch of my eggs, matures and fertilizes them in a lab, and places them in my uterus. It's much more effective than what we are doing and doesn't require medications to stimulate my follicle production, which greatly decreases the risk of complications. It is also less than half the cost of IVF, coming in at around $8,000 a cycle, where as when all is said and done, IVF is around $20,000.

Sounds awesome doesn't it? There are specifications you have to meet in order to be a candidate...we are a perfect match. Only one problem, the doctor requires payment in full at the time of the procedure...which would be 2 weeks from now. I wish I had that to give, but that's just not in the cards. We drove the hour and a half home in a cloud of sadness and silence. I was heartbroken. I had such high hopes for this doctor. Everyone is the office was so nice, we were like guests rather than cattle. It was refreshing. One thing we did learn was that the medication I am currently taking, you know the $2,500 shots I have to put into my stomach every night, may be creating a hostile environment in my ovaries and killing my eggs. Swell.

Basically that leaves us with two choices; 1) Take a year off and save up for a few cycles or 2) continue with the medication we already have and try for another IUI

Honestly, we don't know what the answer is, but Follistim is the only thing we have to hold on to and it's already paid for in full...so we're going for it. At least once more.

I started my injections on Thursday, 50iu/day for 4 days. I went in for an ultrasound this morning and my cysts are almost gone and I have one 13mm follicle beginning to grow. I have two more days before my next exam and we'll see how many have grown.

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw

Yesterday I got the chance to visit with some very special people I have not seen in a long time. We chatted, laughed, and reminisced. It was wonderful. I was sad to see them go, but felt energized and happy again for the first time in at least a week. I have known for a long time how quickly I let my emotions spiral out of control. There are times I feel as though I could take a step back and watch myself blow up, as if I am not connected to that personality. I am learning ways to deal with that, to hide it, to manage it the best I can. But during this last month, I have learned that my only tactic for coping with the stress, anger, and sadness is to isolate myself from everyone. Including my husband, which is something I swore I wouldn't do.

When we started this process, Peter and I talked and talked about how we would deal with different situations and emotions that might present themselves along the way. We agreed that our marriage is most important and if the stress began to seep in, we'd take a break from treatments and regroup. Well that's what this month has meant for us. Though we didn't choose it, I am beginning to understand that God did. It's becoming clear that we needed this time for us, and God used my cysts to be sure that we had it, otherwise I would have continued to bury my feelings, shutting him out, pushing him away. But this month off treatments was a blessing, and it took a visit from friends for me to see that...even if we never talked about the subject. When they left, I realized how happy I was and wanted to hold on to that. I didn't want to sink back into that dark place and hide from what I am feeling. So I took some time to pray, to cry, and to reflect on why I am acting this way and how I need to change it in order to make amends with Pete.

See, the thing is, we just react differently to things...and this situation is no different. I shut down, knowing that nothing anyone can say will make a difference, he shuts down because he doesn't know what to do or say since I cut him off at every pass, believing it won't help. Well in my time of prayer, I discovered this awful pattern and realized that sometimes it's not about what he's going to do or say, it's about letting him say it even if it doesn't make me feel better...because it will make him feel better. I am feeling broken, but he is feeling powerless. He sees me hurting. He hears me cry at night. But he can't do anything about it, because I won't let him. How awful is that? Yet, I'd venture to say that it's not uncommon among couples going through this process. The other night, I was curled in a ball on the couch just bawling my eyes out, you know that hysterical kind of cry where you can't catch a breath and all the tears are running into your ears? That one. Pete was trying to calm me down and I just wouldn't let him. I was being difficult, I knew it. But I didn't care. Finally he said "Jack, just let me in!"

And he was right. Now things need to change, that is not what I want our story to be. This is not me against him, it's us together. He is hurting as much as I am, he just doesn't show it in the same way. I guess the moral of the story is that I need to talk about how I am feeling even if it's just to get it out. There may not be anything to say to make the situation better, but at least we will go through it together. And that's something.

Sorry friends, yet another day of Negative Nancy.

My ovaries are about to pop. I cannot believe how much pressure I am feeling from these freaking cysts. I spent the whole evening laying on the couch because it was so uncomfortable to stand up it wasn't worth it. Thankfully I needed to catch up on a few shows...good excuse, right? :) I have two more weeks until I go for my next ultrasound and I just hope they go down before then. I wish I had a little machine here that could tell me if I am making any progress. A month is a long time to be in limbo! I know I am supposed to be taking it easy and not thinking about it, but I cannot help it! It's in my face all the time. Just this week alone I know 3 people with new babies. THIS WEEK! How is it possible? Is it just because I wasn't paying attention before? Or are there seriously just more pregnant women this year? 

This week I am subbing at my aunt's preschool. It's really great to have something else to focus on. Well I was working with a girl today who is 9 months pregnant, by accident and ready to be done with the whole thing. Lovely. Just what I wanted to hear about today. So much for "getting my mind off" my own crap. And next month I am going to be covering her class for 4 weeks until school starts, which is great because I am going to be making some extra money, but it sucks to know that I am covering her class so she can be home with her new baby.

When will it be my turn?

Will it ever be my turn?

Praying for a miracle

Have I mentioned that I hate waiting?! 

I'm going crazy. Like really crazy. 

I feel so overwhelmed. 

So frustrated. 

So alone. 

 

So I pray.

I can count a million times,
people asking me how I can praise You with all that I've gone through.
The question just amazes me.
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You?
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me.. what's a little rain?
So I pray

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart, cause joy and peace he brings. And the beauty that’s in store outweighs the hurt of life’s sting.

So give them to me :)

I have heard so many women complaining about their kids lately and talking about how difficult motherhood is. Now, I don't doubt that it is difficult at times, but forgive me if I say "boo hoo" to these comments. I almost cannot contain myself when I hear these conversations, especially when I am supposed to be a part of the dialog. I just want to shout out that some of us are fighting with everything we have...time, money, energy, and emotion to be in the position you are in! I understand that it will not always be as wonderful as one could hope, but that's all part of the package.

I know these women are just venting, love their children, and just don't know what I'm going through....but it still bugs me.

Oh hormones, I hate you so much. You're making me a crazy person.

I know He has a plan, but right now it just stinks.

 This time last year I was getting ready to leave on a life changing trip to Grand Bahama Island with my church youth group.

I was asked to help lead this mission trip by one of the other leaders in the church, and I hesitantly said that I would go. I was really nervous that I wasn't the right person for the job, that I wouldn't really have anything to offer the people in the villages. Though I hate to admit it, I am super cranky in the heat...so I was pretty worried about keeping my attitude in check while being physically tested in ways I have never experienced. Once we arrived in the village, I fell in love with the island and those around me.

 This little boy touched my heart. From the beginning of the week he was right there, offering me water, helping me with whatever task I was working at the moment, asking me to take pictures with him during breaks. :)  Now, I this trip everyone was filthy. Like all the time. I mean, when I took off my shoes at the end of the day, there was a line where my normal skin color stopped and the dirt began. Just disgusting. After a while, the thought of a cold shower was more than enough to get you through the dirt, sweat, and heat of the day. Well, when we were painting...it got worse! You were now covered with multicolored dirt on top of the brown nastiness. It became something of a game to see who got the dirtiest! At the end of the day, we would take baby wipes and just get the first layer or so off...just so we could have a semi-comfortable ride home on the 100 degree school bus. Well this little guy, the sweetest child I have ever met, took a baby wipe and began to wash my arm.

Can you believe that? I have never been more touched in all of my life. I will never forget him. I was so happy to later find out that someone captured the moment, I often pray for this boy, though I cannot remember his name, while looking at this photo.

When the week was over, I expected to feel relieved...I was going home to my husband, my family, my BED! But I wasn't. I was sad to be leaving so soon. I was worried that I hadn't given enough. It had taken me a little more than a day to adjust my attitude, though I hope no one noticed my negative feelings. Wasted time. I wasted more than a day focusing on my discomfort, rather than on how I could use this time to serve the children, the families, and the students in our group. The week had changed me and I haven't been the same since.

I couldn't wait for the next year. What would the task be?? How would be serve those families? What games would be play with the children? Would we have the chance to see the families from this summer again?

In December, Peter and I began our RE visits and it became clear that I wouldn't be able to go on the Bahamas trip this year because I was going to be 5-6 months pregnant and wouldn't be able to handle it. The RE was sure it would happen for us on the first try, no problem! We are young, healthy...we'd succeed for sure! Well ok then! So I told the leader of the trip about what we were doing and said that I would have to sit this year out, even though it broke my heart to say those words. I didn't want to stay home, but how could I go when I was that pregnant? It just wouldn't work.

Well, apparently that was a huge load of crap. Here we are, a week before the trip and I am very much NOT pregnant. What a slap in the face...followed by a punch in the gut.

Do not worry...Pray.

 (Source)

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life" 

 - Philippians 4:6-7

Hello, my name is Veruca Salt.

Veruca Salt:  I want a party with rooms full of laughter, Ten thousand tons of ice cream. And if I don't get the things I am after, I'm going to screeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEAM. 

(source)

One month has never sounded so long in all my life.

I hate all the waiting.

I don't know if it's good or bad, but I've gone from not really knowing what I'm feeling to being angry. Like really angry. I'm angry with the doctors for not knowing what to do. I'm angry with myself for wanting this so badly, for allowing it to control my life. My every thought. I am trying my best to keep myself in check, but as the days go on, I feel like I'm losing even the shred of self control I thought I had. Maybe this is too early in the process for me to be feeling this, but I can't help it. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, only to have them crash around me. I'm tired of hearing that my time will come, that God's just not ready yet. What if he's never ready? What if this isn't in the cards for us? I wish there was some giant magic 8 ball that could tell me to keep going or to just give up. I can accept either answer, but why do I need to go through all this heartache if it's never going to happen? Some days it feels like a cruel joke.

I know this was a bit of a rant, but that's how I'm feeling. I feel like screaming at everyone who comes near me, just because. There are moments I feel so mad I could just pop. I know it won't always be this way, but for today, this is what I'm working with...and it's not much. I hope I don't come off that way to everyone, because honestly, so few people know what we are going through that I would just look like a crazy person. Pete says no one would know, I hope he's right. I don't want to be the insane woman I feel like, I don't want to be consumed. I know I am not in control, that God's hands are all over this situation, I trust that He has a plan for our lives and knows what will happen...but I don't know how to just let that happen. I am so afraid that if I do, we'll never have a baby. That maybe that's been the plan all along. And what if it is? I mean, I have no problem with adopting, but it will be years and years before we could ever afford that. I just don't want to wait that long.

How ridiculous does that sound? Geez, I feel like a child when I say that, but it's the truth. I want a baby and I want it now. The Veruca Salt inside of me is showing her ugly attitude. I don't want to go through all the poking and ultrasounds, the blood work, the nasty medications and self-injections. I don't want to spend hours a week in a waiting room, just waiting for the bad news. I don't want to lay on a table crying moments after an IUI because I know this one probably won't work either. I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't want to be broken, I just want to be normal. 

And I want it now.

 

And the fun continues

I went for my Day 3 ultrasound this morning and it revealed 4 large cysts, 2 on each of my ovaries. By large, I mean when the doctor tried to find my left ovary, a quarter of the screen appeared to go blank..but it was actually just one of the cysts. Not great. He basically said they would review my blood work, but there's really no way we can continue until it goes away. If we try another cycle right now, there's a solid chance of ovarian torsion, which can essentially kill my ovary.

I'm really frustrated because I quit my job to give us a better shot at this and now by the time we can start again...I'll be working. Not only is my stress level low, but I have oodles of time..what better month is there to feel so crappy all the time?! UGH

So we wait.

Again.

Here we go again

I had my blood pregnancy test yesterday morning, and as usual it was negative. I don't even know what to feel at this point. I spent the whole day unpacking boxes into our new apartment and just crying. (At least I was productive this time, last month I couldn't get off the couch all day) When I first realized how difficult this was going to be, I made a deal with myself that in the event of a failed cycle, I could have the rest of the day to do as I please, even if that meant laying on the couch crying and watching movies all day. This time allows me to get a grip on myself and to regroup a bit. Not to say I'm ok after that, but I cannot allow myself to feel that way all the time, no matter how strong the urge may be to mope.

At this point, we need to decide what to do next. Do we try again...for the eighth time? Do we take a few months/years off? I don't know. I have an appointment on Wednesday to see what the doctors think, so I won't make any decisions until then. I am thankful that the new medication worked so well, at least we're moving in the right direction...but that doesn't make it hurt less.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

-Casting Crowns

Or so I thought..

I really believed that moving, changing jobs, and a few craft projects would be more than enough to keep my mind off my Sunday morning test. Oh how silly of me. Of course that wouldn't be enough! I just piled all those things on top, as usual. hehe Gosh I'm bad. But I can't help it!

I'm going nuts. Like crazy, out of my mind, nuts. I need to know. I felt a few cramps yesterday, but nothing since and no spotting. Usually by now I'm spotting and cramping pretty badly. I don't necessarily think that means anything...but it's nice to feel a little hope.

To be honest, I know this sounds ridiculous, (but I'm going to say it anyway) part of me actually enjoys this two week wait (2ww) because I get to pretend it worked. I get to imagine the possibilities. I get to dream of success.

(Source)

This made me laugh out loud...

QUESTIONER: “Wow, I didn’t know you were married that long. How many kids do you have?”

ME: “None. They’re on backorder. I ordered them, like, forever ago. I don’t know, they must be out of stock.”

(Source)

Coming into the home stretch

So today marks 11 dpiui. Only 4 more days until the Big Test. I'm feeling good, nervous, but good. I haven't had any cramping, spotting, or anything yet. I'm hoping to keep it that way because that's how each other cycle has started over the last 7 months. Usually I'm going crazy by this time, but thankfully hubby and I are moving tomorrow so I have a lot of other things to think about!

Ok, so this is going to sound super selfish, but like I've said before, this is my "safe place" and I am going to be honest. The last few months have been absolutely chock full of pregnancy/birth announcements. More than I've ever seen before. Just yesterday, two babies were born and one pregnancy was announced. In one day! As happy as I am for these new moms, and I truly am happy for them, it just breaks my heart each time. I keep telling myself I need to get off Facebook for a few months, but can never bring myself to do it. I want to know when these events happen, I cannot hide from life, as appealing as that may sound right now.

I'm trying to remain focused on feeling positive, praying hard, and getting myself through the next four days. I know it will happen when it is my time, I just hope that's soon. I don't know how many more cycles my heart (not to mention my body) can take.

 (Source)

Waitin' on the world to change

Well we're 7 dpiui and already I'm going crazy wondering if it worked! This is usually the time it begins to weigh on me, though. The first week goes by quickly, but the second is excruciating. I had my IUIs on Saturday and Sunday, the 18th and 19th and they both went really well. My hormone levels were where they should be, I had 7 mature follicles, and no issues with the catheter. Awesome.

I spent afternoon at my cousin's baby shower and my MIL's 50th birthday party, which was nice because I didn't have time to think about the procedure at all. It was nice to be surrounded by both of our families, even if only a few people know what we are going through. After Sunday's treatment, Pete began painting the house for our move next week. I was instructed (by him) to spend the day on the couch since we'd had a crazy weekend so far. So, as directed by my handsome hubs, I spent a leisurely day reading, watching chick flix, and trying to "cook a baby" as we say. hehe

On Tuesday, I developed a dull pain in my abdomen. By Wednesday night I couldn't stand up straight for long periods of time. Since then it has come and gone, but hasn't really gotten any worse. I'm not sure what it is, but if it continues, I'm going to have to go have an ultrasound to make sure it's not my ovaries enlarging too much. According to the Follistim's website, I would also likely have nausea, dizziness, and gain weight if my ovaries have been hyperstimulated...and so far, it's just the pain. If by Monday I'm not feeling better, I will probably call the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to make sure everything's ok.

For now, I feel pretty good and I'm hoping for the best....really hoping for the best. 

I feel like a gumball machine

This morning I went in for another check up. The cyst on my left ovary is still going down, it's down to 30mm now, so that's good. I also have one 10mm follicle on my left, but they don't expect that to turn into anything of worth. But on my right, I have several 10mm, one 11mm, one 12mm, and one 13mm. I was shocked when she told me how many there were! Obviously they don't want all of them to fully mature, just a few. So I need to do two more nights worth of Follistim injections and go in again on Friday. But over all, they say I am progressing beautifully and should be on target for an IUI on Saturday. I can't tell you how thrilled I am. I know it doesn't mean anything really, but it just feels good to have a positive visit to that place! I left feeling optimistic, which hasn't happened lately. Success. :-)

Hopefully they will continue to grow over the next few days and will be ready for this weekend's treatments. I hate to get my hopes up again, but it's hard not to.

*sigh*

Finding hope in unexpected places

Swiss Cheese and Promises

On Saturday, Peter and I went for a check up to see how I am responding to the Follistim. The ultrasound revealed little other than the fact that my cyst has more than doubled in size in just 2 days. The doctor said that as long as my estrogen levels remain where they are, there is no reason to worry about it...it will begin to go away on it's own. Otherwise, it was rather uneventful. The nurse told us that she would call with the results of my blood work, until then we just had to wait. Story of my life. Luckily they called pretty quickly and said the Follistim is working, slowly...but surely. They told me to up my dose to 75iu and to come back on Monday (today). So today I went in and my ultrasound showed that my cyst is shrinking, which is awesome! I also have two follicles beginning to grow in my right ovary. Sweeet! My blood work confirmed my progress and they want me to continue the 75iu injections tonight and tomorrow and come in for blood work and an ultrasound on Wednesday.

So far the injections haven't been too stressful, except for the first one. It took us the better part of an hour to complete the first because I was scared. haha Thank goodness I have a patient husband. He eventually just took the injector out of my hand and did it himself. Since then, we've gotten better at it. I have to switch sides each day so my bruises can heal a little on the off day. Between the crook of my arm and my stomach, I look like a piece of abused Swiss cheese. The shots feel like any other shot, but the liquid burns like mad for about half an hour after it goes in. But as I've said, it will all be worth it if it works.

I'm trying really, really hard not to be too hopeful, but this cycle is going pretty well...aahhhhh I just hate the let down every time. It's so painful to go 16 days wondering if it worked, looking for signs, analyzing every twinge. It's truly exhausting. I've spent the last six months trying to find a balanced emotion..where I can be positive, but with a level head and the understanding that so much of this is about the odds. It's like we are rolling a dice, hoping for a six. We just have to wait, eventually we'll hit. (At least that's what they tell me.) For now, we're living on hope and prayer..and faith that God already knows the amazing little person He will send to us when the time is right. No matter what that means.

Oh the highs and lows

I find all these intense highs and lows to be exhausting. Perhaps it's all the medications I'm on, but I just cannot manage my emotions. Like at all. I'm completely out of control some days. I think the hardest part is that most people don't know about what we are doing, so I just look like a crazy person. I try to hold myself together, and I think I do a good job most days...but I have my moments.

Today, however, was a good day. :-) After waiting ALL day for the results of my blood work, the nurse finally called to tell me that the cyst is not producing enough hormones to be an issue, so we are going to press on and start the injectables. So that's good news! We will start the shots tonight, though I am super nervous about it. I am pretty sure Pete's going to have to do it. I lucked out though...I only need to take one shot, once a day, and only for four days. Pretty sweet compared to what I thought it was going to be. AND as I was looking at the medicine bottles, I realized that if I respond well to this dosage and we are still not successful this cycle, I have enough medicine for THREE cycles! How awesome is that?! I won't have to worry about the insurance company turning us down any time soon.

Good day. Good day. Thanks for sharing in this adventure with us :-)

Someone hum the Jepardy theme song please...I can't take the waiting!

Sometimes I hate going to these appointments alone. I really do. Unfortunately, most of them are scheduled for after Peter's already at work and they can take 4 hours on some days. Thank goodness my job is flexible, or there would be absolutely no way we could do this. Most days it's not a problem to go alone, the visits are usually uneventful. Just check ups. But then there are mornings like today. The ones that knock me on my butt and instantly bring tears to my eyes. After waiting and hour and a half, they finally had a room for me. I got my blood work done and waited some more for my ultrasound to see if my body has come down off the medicine and is ready to start again. I never really know what to expect from these appointments. But I'm always nervous. During what they call the "Morning monitoring" hours, there is a different doctor every day. This guy was nice, he's one of my favorites. He is one of the only doctors that takes the time to answer questions and make sure I'm ok before he leaves. I really appreciate that, especially when I'm alone there. He started the ultrasound and noticed a large mass on my left ovary. And by large, I mean you could hardly see the ovary at all. I immediately knew something was off because I hadn't seen anything like that on the screen before. He turned on the lights and slowly explained that there is a large cyst, but we really have to wait for my blood work to see what that means. He basically said that depending on my estrogen level, we will either need to stop treatments and wait for a few months, or it will just be a residual follicle from last cycle and we can continue as planned. UGH. I was so upset at the thought of having to wait longer to start this medicine that has me up at night worrying. I just want to start it and get it over with. It's hard to go to work after that, just a lovely way to start a day. Don't you think? Well, an iced latte and bowl of fruit salad later, I am feeling better. But now I have to wait for the call. That's always the worst part: The waiting.

All for one...but I want it first

So after a looong three week wait, we are finally able to continue our treatments...now with the injectable medications. (yippy) I am still very hesitant to begin this course of treatment, and need to continually remind myself that this is not in my hands. God is faithful, I cannot be afraid of what I cannot control. But I admit, I'm scared to death. Not only of the side effects and risks, but of the fact that this is our last shot before they will want us to move on to IVF. If I don't respond to this medicine, we will have to take a (few year) break. Not appealing, but we're hoping for the best!

Right now I'm sitting in the waiting room, it's 6:30am. No one is happy about being here. We all file in quietly, seems that it's an unwritten rule that you just don't talk in here. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. But it seems like we all try to conceal any trace of happiness because we are all struggling. Nothing more than a quiet hello, holding the door for the pajama clad girl behind you, an encouraging smile to the woman coming out with tears in her eyes. In many ways we are a team. All for one, and one for all. Except not. In reality we are all aware of who is here, who has been here at least as long as we have. While I hope all my fellow waiting room comrades are all successful and live happily ever after...I want it first. How selfish is that?! But I can say that here, this is my safe place. Don't judge me. :) But in many ways, it's exactly how I feel. I want to win, as if this is a competition. I immediately get jealous of anyone who even looks pregnant. Ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous. But I can't help it. I don't feel that way outside of the waiting room, at least not as much. I get pangs of sadness when I see cute little babies or baby bellies, but in all, I am happy for them...as long as they let me hold him or her. hehe


This morning on the radio I heard this portion of scripture:

As for God, His way is perfect.   

Psalm 18:30a

Then the host said "Now take a deep breath." Someone needs to say these things to me every morning. I just let it wash over me as I drove and I was reminded that God's got my back. I don't need to stress myself out so much. I know I will, and don't know that it's possible not to, but I can at least be reminded that He's on my side, He has a plan. He wrote this story, it's my job to trust him and live it.

Blessed be Your name.

THEY APPROVED OUR REQUEST!!! 

The insurance company is going to pay 100% of the cost of the Follistim! I can hardly believe it. I cried when the pharmacy called to tell me. I just couldn't believe what they were saying. I asked her to repeat it just to make sure! haha Now, they only approved one cycle and we'll have to file again when if we need another...but still! I'll begin the injections on day 3 of my cycle and will go back for an ultrasound on day 7 to make sure everything is ok. At that point, I think they'll have me come in every morning to monitor my progress. With any luck, we'll get a whole bunch of follicles and be able to do a set of IUIs sometime in the next two weeks.

From what I've read, the chances of pregnancy nearly double with this medication...but the risk of twins (or more) is about 30%. That makes me a little nervous, but it's a risk we're willing to take. More to love, right? :-) Though I'm nowhere near positive that my 5'1'' frame could support more than one child at a time. eeek! But I can't get ahead of myself, we just need to get through these injections and see what happens. Walk by faith, right?

"You give and take away,

My heart will choose to say, 

Lord blessed be Your name."

What's it worth?

My goal at the moment is to look for the silver lining in situations, even when things seem like we might be at the end of our journey. Right now, our pharmacy and the wonderful people who work there are not only my silver lining, but a support system I never expected. The men and women who work at this pharmacy truly love what they do and desire to help in every possible way. I thought it was funny at first that each box of medicine that comes to my door includes a little encouraging message and a package of Hershey Kisses. It's a sweet gesture, but coming from an independent company, I just assumed they wanted my business. Not the case. The people I have worked with are dedicated to providing the best customer service, at the lowest cost to me and in the shortest amount of time. There are times when I have to call them and I need a prescription for the next evening...they hop on the phone with the insurance company, get the approval and have it ready for overnight delivery or pick-up, depending on what my schedule looks like. This is a process that would usually take a week, but they make it happen. It's truly fantastic. Right now we are at a bit of a stand still.  My pharmacy put in a request to our insurance company last Sunday to see if they will approve and cover the Follistim…and more than a week later they still haven’t made their decision. I understand this is a bi decision for them, the Follistim is $2,500 a cycle...more than our monthly premium. And this is not the only medication for which we are asking to be approved. I am almost to the point in my cycle where I would begin taking the Follistim, but until we find out how much is covered, we cannot begin because we can't pay for more than one cycle out of pocket without saving some more.  My amazing pharmacy has been calling the insurance company every day pushing them to hurry up, and giving me updates every other day. I almost can't believe how often I speak with them...in a good way! They give me updates when there isn't anything to update...but to ease my mind and make sure I'm not stressing over unnecessary things. They are taking care of it for me. WOW! How often does that happen?! 

Peter and I are having a hard time deciding how much we are willing to pay, not to mention how many drugs we're willing for me to take in order to have a baby. I struggle all the time with wanting to give everything we have to this process, just to make it happen, but the reality is that that's not responsible or healthy. As much as we want a child, is it worth going into debt for the chance this next treatment will be any different from the last? I'm not sure. Part of me screams "Of freaking course it is!" but the other, more rational side, just sighs. We are just relying on God that if he wants us to continue, He will provide the means necessary whether through the insurance coverage, or a Heavenly check on my door step. :) So though the side effects are scary, if we can cover the cost, we'll just trust that this is where God wants us to go and follow. 

Just smile.

Leave it to God to speak to my heart through a Glee cover song. This song touched me today...it's simple, but sweet. I need to continually remind myself to smile, this part of our lives won't last forever.

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow

Smile, and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through, for you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying.

You'll find that life is still worthwhile-

If you just smile.

Decisions, decisions

I'm really terrible at making decisions, particularly when they are as big as the ones we are facing right now. When we realized that the Clomid wasn't having an effect on me, the doctors decided to put me on Follistim which is a lot stronger, and will hopefully help me to produce multiple eggs to increase our chances. However, Follistim is very expensive. Right now, our insurance company is in review about our case, determining whether or not to cover the expense in part or not at all. If they don't cover any of the cost, it will be $2,500 each cycle, which could be more than once a month depending on how I respond. Now if that was the only cost, it might be an option, but we also have to pay for the ultrasounds which are $500 each, and we have a cycle, as well as the other medications, IUIs, and blood work. So far this has not been a challenge for us, the insurance company has been wonderful and we've only paid a couple thousand over the last few months. But now, since the doctors are saying we need to move on, it's likely the insurance company will pull back. Nice, right?

But truthfully, the money is the least of my concerns. This medicine has some nasty side effects and risks, that I'm not sure I am willing to take. I want a baby more than anything, but we're not willing to risk my health for one. We're trying to set up a meeting with the doctor, but it's proving to be harder than we imagined. We are supposed to communicate through the nurses, the doctors are very busy. But if I am paying them all this money and risking my body, I think I deserve a few minutes of his time. Peter is working on that, I don't have it in me to try to deal with them. Hopefully if his conversation goes well this morning, we'll have a meeting this weekend and we can determine our next step. I'm not ready to give up yet, but neither of the other options, Follistim or IVF, sound particularly appealing at the moment.

I do have to say, though, that the recommended dosage of Follistim is 150mg in each injection. (Oh yeah, these are shots I have to give myself. Yuck!) Their website claims that it is safe to take for 3 cycles of 150mg before you are at risk of experiencing any long term side effects. My doctor has suggested I take only 50mg for a half cycle, hoping that my age and over all health will be a help for us. So truthfully, maybe I shouldn't be worried about it and just do it. These are all things I want to talk to the doctor about and hopefully he can explain the real deal.


I think what I am most frustrated about is the fact that I am not in control of anything right now. The decision that I'm stressing over isn't really even mine to make. The insurance company and the doctor make the decision, I only have the final say once all the information is presented. Now that alone is enough to stress over, but I have at least a week before we get to that point, so I need to chill. Ha, as if.

I know I've only been posting on here for a few days, but it has already helped me more than I imagined. Just to write with such honest abandon...it's freeing! :-)